I have trouble sleeping. Like, a lot. You name the
trouble, and I have it. I have troubles sleeping that should logically counter each other, and others that don't make any sense at all. Sleeping is very, very hard for me. I frankly wouldn't bother except for that whole pesky 'biological necessity' factor.
You think I’m kidding? Here is a brief list of the troubles that plague me when I try to settle down for the night:
- It takes me, on average, at least an hour to
fall asleep. At least. I lie in the dark and count sheep and focus on my
breathing and get in touch with my goddamn chi or whatever the hell it is that’s
supposed to make you relax, and it can still take me hours to fall asleep. It
doesn’t matter if I drink warm milk, or read relaxing poetry, or whatever you
probably want to suggest right now.
The bottom line is that unless I am drunk, I’m not falling asleep for a while. No matter how tired I am. And even if I am drunk there’s a pretty good chance I will just sit up giggling at stupid pictures on the internet instead of trying to sleep. - I have nightmares. Some are standard,
trauma-related nightmares that are actually scary to an outside observer. A lot are about the zombie apocalypse. Some are harder to explain.
Why was it so horrifying to share a salad with Stanley Tucci while sitting on a
grand piano? You tell me, Freud. Regardless of the variety, my nightmares suck.
And I have them almost every night. So even when I am asleep, it’s not exactly
restful or pleasant.
- I wake up a lot during the night. We’re talking 3 or 4 times a
night. For no reason. It’s like my brain really hates me, or at least hates the
parts of me that like sleep. SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE. YOU WANT TO SLEEP? YOU SHALL
HAVE NONE OF THAT. NONE AT ALL. And of course, once I wake up I have to start
the whole ‘falling asleep’ process from the beginning.
- It’s hard to wake me up once I fall asleep. That might seem
counterintuitive to what I just said, but here’s the thing. I can wake myself
up no problem. If a mote of dust is getting too big for its britches I will be
up like a shot, ready to defend the homestead against all invaders. But if,
say, another person or alarm clock attends to wake me, it’s nigh on impossible.
This isn't a new development. As a kid my parents would stand over me yelling in the hopes of rousing me. Threats, tears, and bribery were all ineffective. But if my dog wandered down the hallway at any point during the night, I was awake in an instant. - I can get up, turn off a complicated alarm clock
on the other side of the room, and go back to sleep all without waking up.
- I talk in my sleep. All sorts of talking. Not just murmuring softly under my breath like a normal person would. I can
have full-fledged conversations with people while being zonked out. I almost
never remember these later, which can lead to hilarious arguments about ‘Why
didn’t you pick me up at the train station?’ and ‘Why were you laughing when I
told you I was getting sick?’ Sleep Me is also kind of a dick.
That’s not the only type of talking I do, though. For a while I would recite movie lines in my sleep (I have witnesses, who continue to view this as a singularly awesome trick). More recently, I will pick up conversations I am dreaming and continue them OUT LOUD, which is genuinely terrifying to people in the vicinity. I have friends who will vouch for the fact that I have yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at 5 AM at people who are NOT IN THE ROOM WITH US. This can be hilarious or fucking scary as hell, depending on the hour, the people, and what exactly I’m shouting.
So in the hopes of returning to
the loving embrace of slumber, I’m going to try out some apps that promise to
help me fall asleep. And stay asleep, hopefully. I’ll let you know if any of
them are wildly successful or delightfully counterproductive.
I’m pretty sure sleep isn’t
supposed to be such a challenge. On the upside, I’m very close to evolving immunity
to caffeine.
