Common Sense: No, you're not.
Me: No, really, this time I am. Totally. Dying. Like, the dead kind. SO DEAD.
Common Sense: What is it this time?
Me: My nose is stuffy and I'm coughing and cold and achy and tired. 'Because I could not stop for Death-'
Common Sense: You have a cold.
Me: LIES. Lots of hideous diseases present as colds, and you think it's just a cold, then BOOM DEAD.
Common Sense: Stop it. You do this all the time. It's tiresome and exhausting. Hypochondria is not charming.
Me: Just wait until I am dead from EBOLA. Then you'll feel stupid.
Common Sense: You don't even know what that is. Anyway, remember when you had an ingrown toenail and decided you had toe cancer?
Me: I was kidding.
Common Sense: Yes, but you were also legitimately concerned that it meant something was really, really wrong with you.
Me: It COULD have been a sign of a degenerative disease.
Common Sense: This is JUST like when you accidentally cut off that other driver and were convinced he would hunt you down.
Me: Road rage is a legitimate concern. Anyway, you should be nice to me. I AM GRAVELY ILL.
Common Sense: OR you are just overtired and eat terrible food, and your body is rebelling.
Me: ....Dying.
Common Sense: You know, when you're actually, genuinely sick, people don't believe you. Like the time the doctor said it was just anxiety, and it turned out to be a double bronchial infection.
Me: He was a TERRIBLE doctor.
Common Sense: Very true. However, perhaps people would be more sympathetic if you weren't ALWAYS sick. Tired is not sick. Bored is not sick. Annoyed is not sick. And sick does not automatically equal HORRIBLE, EXPLODEY DEATH.
Me: I know, but if I expect the absolute worst, anything else will seem tolerable.
Common Sense: Could you at least do it quietly?
Me: Fine. I have a cold.
Common Sense: Thank you.
Me: Which is EXACTLY how things started in The Stand.
Note: While writing this, I Googled for rare diseases out of curiosity. And ended up reading about necrotizing fasciitis. And panicked over the idea of getting it. There's a lesson here, but I'm too busy buying stock in antibacterial soap to think about it.
