A Few Questions For 'Jurassic World'

Dear Jurassic World:

I hope this letter finds you well. OK, let's not be coy -- I know it finds you well. You're the biggest movie in the world. You've smashed all the records and have the box office eating out of your CGI-d hands. A sequel is already in the works, and lots of people adore you and what you've done. Good on you. I wish you nothing but the best. And while you're enjoying all this success and good fortune, I have a few questions I'd like to pose to you.

Understand, I was excited when I heard about this movie. I love Jurassic Park. I even liked the sequels a great deal. And then you got Chris Pratt on board, and I was even more pumped. The trailers only helped matters. I mean, Chris Pratt as King of the Raptors? This is like all my dreams coming to cinematic life.

Then I saw the movie. And now I have some questions.

WARNING: This article contains spoilers. Literally all the spoilers, ever. I go through pretty much every single thing that happened in Jurassic World. I spoil it. I spoil all the things. If you do not want to see SPOILERS FOR JURASSIC PARK, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY MORE.

Serious Topics Taken Seriously

When I win the internet, I will be given a velociraptor-unicorn-pegasus hybrid, which I will ride whilst sipping from a goblet filled with vodka slushies.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that today on Twitter I have discussed the merits of owning a velociraptor vs. a dragon. I am firmly on the side of velociraptors. Wait! There is a logic to my choice.

I love dragons. I love them a lot, and would love owning one. But logically speaking, where would you keep it? What would you feed it? And what TYPE of dragon would it be? Would it be a Tolkien dragon? Because Smaug was scary as hell. Or would it be an Anne McCaffrey dragon? Or a Dungeons & Dragons type? Or one from Harry Potter? Or Jane Yolen? That's not even looking at the species themselves. There are dozens upon dozens of different types of dragons, with their own advantages and disadvantages.

The point is, some dragons talk and love gold and some don't and eat brimstone. Some sleep a lot. Some have wings. Some eat people. And I think when speaking hypothetically about wanting to own a fantasy creature, you need to consider these factors in a serious and rational manner. Do you have a surplus of gold? Does your house have insurance against pets that cause fires?

Raptors are easy. They eat meat. They are small enough to keep in a house, although not an apartment. That would be ridiculous. If you got it at a young age, you could probably train it out of eating your friends and neighbors. And I could ride one. AIRTIGHT LOGIC.

Speaking of dragons, my favorite dragon movie of ALL TIME is Flight of Dragons. It is life-changing and brilliant. It is The Last Unicorn of animated dragon movies. I just discovered that Netflix doesn't carry it, which means I'll have to buy it at some point. It's fantastic.

By the way, wouldn't Dragons Vs. Raptors be the best movie EVER? Forget Cowboys Vs. Aliens, I need Jon Favreau ON THIS. Imagine - dragons exist in the past, right? So why can't we go even further past, and have them battle velociraptors for dominance over the planet? Or they could both invade present day, and it could be the plot of the Jurassic Park reboot. That was a freebie, Hollywood.

This is the sort of post that results from it being very hot out, a surplus of sugar, and guilt over not having written anything of substance in about a week. So you get dragons and velociraptors. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Edit: DO NOT GOOGLE 'RAPTORS VS. DRAGONS'. OH MY GOD.

Edit 2: MY EYES ARE BLEEDING.

Edit 3: AND THOSE DINOSAURS ARE TOTALLY ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT. DINOSAURS DON'T BEND THAT WAY.

Edit 4: WHAT SORT OF JUST AND MERCIFUL GOD WOULD ALLOW SUCH A THING TO EXIST?

Edit 5: ALL I WANTED WAS A WHOLESOME, CHARMING MOVIE ABOUT DINOSAURS AND RAPTORS FIGHTING TO THE DEATH. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED. UNCLEAN. UNCLEAN.

Edit 6: Sometimes, I really hate the internet.