A Few Questions For 'Jurassic World'

Dear Jurassic World:

I hope this letter finds you well. OK, let's not be coy -- I know it finds you well. You're the biggest movie in the world. You've smashed all the records and have the box office eating out of your CGI-d hands. A sequel is already in the works, and lots of people adore you and what you've done. Good on you. I wish you nothing but the best. And while you're enjoying all this success and good fortune, I have a few questions I'd like to pose to you.

Understand, I was excited when I heard about this movie. I love Jurassic Park. I even liked the sequels a great deal. And then you got Chris Pratt on board, and I was even more pumped. The trailers only helped matters. I mean, Chris Pratt as King of the Raptors? This is like all my dreams coming to cinematic life.

Then I saw the movie. And now I have some questions.

WARNING: This article contains spoilers. Literally all the spoilers, ever. I go through pretty much every single thing that happened in Jurassic World. I spoil it. I spoil all the things. If you do not want to see SPOILERS FOR JURASSIC PARK, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY MORE.

Me Against The Music: Tracks 24-36

For reasons of her own, Elle has decided to listen to every single song in her music library and record the experience. These are her notes. 

Tracks 24-36

24. Antrozous - Hans Zimmer & James Newton Howard 

Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight trilogy has a soundtrack that ranks as one of my all-time favorites. It's great to work out to, great to drive to, and great to save Gotham to. Also great to attempt to destroy Gotham to. What? I'm just saying. You know the Joker was blasting this as he went around causing mayhem. 

It also eternally delights me that the track names are the Latin names for different species of bats. It further delights me that tracks 4 through 9 form an acrostic that actually spells 'Batman.' That is an attention to detail you can't overlook.

Me Against The Music: Tracks 11-23

For reasons of her own, Elle has decided to listen to every single song in her music library and record the experience. These are her notes. 

Tracks 11-23

11. The Click - Good Charlotte

When I was a wee lass (or at least a teenager with Manic Panic-colored hair and bondge pants direct from Hot Topic), I met the brothers Joel and Benji Madden at a local all-ages show. And they were lovely. Just incredibly nice and kind to all the emotionally stressed-out teens demanding their attention, and remarkably patient with the histrionics that ensued. They were polite and friendly and seemed genuinely flattered that people were so enthralled by their music. It was remarkable that these people we had seen on TV were so human.

Me Against The Music: Tracks 1-10

For reasons of her own, Elle has decided to listen to every single song in her music library and record the experience. These are her notes. 

Tracks 1-10

Now, as this is the first entry, let's make a few things clear: 

• I'm only discussing the songs about which I have something to say. That is why there are jumps in the numbers.
• This isn't a way for me to hide my shameful musical inclinations; the complete list will be posted on the sidebar for your mockery and derision. So enough stalling. Let's get to it, shall we? 

1. Halloweenhead - Ryan Adams

Oh thank God the first song is a good one. At least I'm starting out on the right foot, and didn't embarrass myself immediately. That will come later I'm sure, but for now I at least have the illusion of dignity and musical taste. For the record, Ryan Adams has uttered two of my favorite insults of all time: 'Fuck off into a black hole and die,' and 'Fuck off to a Nickelback concert.' He also loves cats. Ryan Adams is the best.

Me Against The Music: An Audio Retrospective

I love collecting things. I have a knack for it: comics, t-shirts, books and yarn just seem to accumulate around me. It's a gift (or a curse, depending on your perspective). And that's not even counting the seemingly endless digital copies of things I've acquired due to the wonders of technology. 

While some of my collections have come and gone (I still don't quite understand what the point of Pogs was, and precious few Beanie Babies have survived subsequent purges), a few have been steadfast companions. One of the oldest (and by far least organized) is my music collection.

Over the years I've collected music from countless sources: recommended lists, television soundtracks, random mixes, suggestions from friends, and free downloads were all my domain. I collected indiscriminately, first in cassettes, then CDs, and now in the form of MP3s. Over the years my collection has evolved to be mostly digital -- and it's still a mess. 

Whoever said that digital copies would cut down on clutter should have a chat with me. My music collection is baffling and somewhat frightening. I have no idea where a large chunk of my music came from, or what possessed me to add it to my listening rotation. Some are dubiously titled. A lot are damaged from the time I tried to save my collection from a dying laptop, and was only semi-successful.

And because of streaming music, I've neglected it for some time. It's easy, it's fun, and it's exposed me to tons of music I otherwise would never had heard. I've discovered new artists I love and can finally understand a lot of pop culture references that were baffling me (there are downsides to not listening to the radio for years on end). The only downside to this brave new musical world? My own music collection has been cruelly neglected.

My iTunes has grown dusty and decrepit from lack of use. If digital music could grow moldy, my collection would a science experiment. But no more; I'm going to tackle it head-on. I will listen to every track in my collection, and record the experience for your edification. 

The good, the bad, the one-hit wonders I still adore and the 'classic hits' I can't help but loathe -- all will be confessed to. I'll keep the ones I genuinely like, and let the rest go.  No matter how bad, shameful, or straight-up weird the songs may be. 

So gird your loins, kids: this could get ugly.

Dusting Off The Blog

Metaphorical dust, naturally. This is the future and the future has no dust. Unless it's space dust.

Just some general housekeeping. I'll be moving all the Charlie Black posts over to a new blog, creatively titled CharlieBlackBook.blogspot.com. Oh, and I'll try to post more. I can't guarantee that will happen on any sort of schedule, but it will.

Additionally, I'm going to try writing on this blog more regularly as well.

I said TRY.

Don't look at me like that.

Adventures In Sleeping (Or Not, As The Case May Be)

I have trouble sleeping. Like, a lot. You name the trouble, and I have it. I have troubles sleeping that should logically counter each other, and others that don't make any sense at all. Sleeping is very, very hard for me. I frankly wouldn't bother except for that whole pesky 'biological necessity' factor. 

You think I’m kidding? Here is a brief list of the troubles that plague me when I try to settle down for the night:

• It takes me, on average, at least an hour to fall asleep. At least. I lie in the dark and count sheep and focus on my breathing and get in touch with my goddamn chi or whatever the hell it is that’s supposed to make you relax, and it can still take me hours to fall asleep. It doesn’t matter if I drink warm milk, or read relaxing poetry, or whatever you probably want to suggest right now.
  
  The bottom line is that unless I am drunk, I’m not falling asleep for a while. No matter how tired I am. And even if I am drunk there’s a pretty good chance I will just sit up giggling at stupid pictures on the internet instead of trying to sleep.
  
•  I have nightmares. Some are standard, trauma-related nightmares that are actually scary to an outside observer. A lot are about the zombie apocalypse. Some are harder to explain. Why was it so horrifying to share a salad with Stanley Tucci while sitting on a grand piano? You tell me, Freud. Regardless of the variety, my nightmares suck. And I have them almost every night. So even when I am asleep, it’s not exactly restful or pleasant.
  
• I wake up a lot during the night. We’re talking 3 or 4 times a night. For no reason. It’s like my brain really hates me, or at least hates the parts of me that like sleep. SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE. YOU WANT TO SLEEP? YOU SHALL HAVE NONE OF THAT. NONE AT ALL. And of course, once I wake up I have to start the whole ‘falling asleep’ process from the beginning.
  
• It’s hard to wake me up once I fall asleep. That might seem counterintuitive to what I just said, but here’s the thing. I can wake myself up no problem. If a mote of dust is getting too big for its britches I will be up like a shot, ready to defend the homestead against all invaders. But if, say, another person or alarm clock attends to wake me, it’s nigh on impossible.
  
  This isn't a new development. As a kid my parents would stand over me yelling in the hopes of rousing me. Threats, tears, and bribery were all ineffective. But if my dog wandered down the hallway at any point during the night, I was awake in an instant.
  
• I can get up, turn off a complicated alarm clock on the other side of the room, and go back to sleep all without waking up.
  
• I talk in my sleep. All sorts of talking. Not just murmuring softly under my breath like a normal person would. I can have full-fledged conversations with people while being zonked out. I almost never remember these later, which can lead to hilarious arguments about ‘Why didn’t you pick me up at the train station?’ and ‘Why were you laughing when I told you I was getting sick?’ Sleep Me is also kind of a dick.
  That’s not the only type of talking I do, though. For a while I would recite movie lines in my sleep (I have witnesses, who continue to view this as a singularly awesome trick). More recently, I will pick up conversations I am dreaming and continue them OUT LOUD, which is genuinely terrifying to people in the vicinity. I have friends who will vouch for the fact that I have yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at 5 AM at people who are NOT IN THE ROOM WITH US. This can be hilarious or fucking scary as hell, depending on the hour, the people, and what exactly I’m shouting.

The thing is, I like sleep. A lot. It’s one of my most favorite activities. Sleep is the best. And I would like more sleep, preferably without dreams of sharing salad with celebrities or whatever other horrors my evil little brain can concoct. Look, sleep is a pretty basic function. Many, many living things can do it. Newborns can do it. My dog can do it, and he is afraid of pretty much everything.

So in the hopes of returning to the loving embrace of slumber, I’m going to try out some apps that promise to help me fall asleep. And stay asleep, hopefully. I’ll let you know if any of them are wildly successful or delightfully counterproductive.

I’m pretty sure sleep isn’t supposed to be such a challenge. On the upside, I’m very close to evolving immunity to caffeine.