I Am Excused From Growing Up

Guys, the worst thing ever has happened. I got jury duty. I don't understand how this has come to pass, but it has, and now my world is in shambles.

I don't have a problem with jury duty. I think it's an important service, and part of being an American, and all that good jazz. I debated being a lawyer (I even took the LSATS) and find law fascinating. I have no problem with the concept of sitting in on a case. I am a big fan of doing my civic duty. Plus there's always the chance that it will be a really cool case, involving ninjas or spies or NINJA SPIES and international intrigue. It's a slim chance, but it exists.

No, the problem I have with all this is that jury duty is SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO ADULTS. I am definitely not an adult. The idea of being considered an adult is terrifying to me. Clearly the system is flawed if I am expected to act like an adult.

It's like when my friends from middle school and high school get married, or have babies, or get important jobs. I want to shake them and go, "You used to consider Blink-182 the greatest band ever! YOU LIKED CARSON DALY. YOU ARE NOT A GROWN-UP." But I don't, because I love my friends, and I know they are only faking being adults. Even I can fake being an adult, when the situation calls for it.

I find the idea that I could be held responsible for a court decision to be simply terrifying. I am not qualified for these sorts of situations. I mean, as I type this, I am sitting here watching Spongebob and drinking a Slushie. I am by no means a bastion of mature, rational decisions. I was up until 3 AM because a television show upset me, and I couldn't fall asleep. Do YOU want me on a jury?

And what if I say something really stupid? What if this is like the time I interviewed at a Major Corporation, and thought security was going to escort me out because I made a joke? (I'd love to tell you the name of the corporation, because it makes the story far more amusing, but I am pretty sure this particular company's leader has magical powers and would destroy me if I was caught insulting her. So trust me, it's a large company, and the boss is a major celebrity. And she didn't interview me. Which is a pity, because that would make this story AMAZING.)

I was at a job interview at this Posh Company That Is Named After A Famous Person Who Has A TV Show. My friend had wrangled me the interview, so I had extra motivation to be charming and lovely. But it was hideously early in the morning, I had gotten lost on my way to the interview, and to be totally honest I was not interested in the job. Still, the interview with the obscenely perky HR lady was going along nicely, until...

HR Girl: Now, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?

Me: Uh, Hunter S. Thompson.

HR Girl: Interesting! Why?

Me: Because he'd bring good drugs.

HR Girl: *Deafening, ominous silence*

I'd like to point out that I was kidding. That this was a joke, brought on by a lack of sleep and my charming habit of not always listening when I talk. I WAS KIDDING.

And to be fair, the HR Girl could have handled it better. She stared at me with open-mouthed horror, as if she fully expected me to start doing lines on her pristine desk. Which I didn't. I don't DO drugs. And that's not the reason I love Hunter S. Thompson and would adore having dinner with him. DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS. I DO NOT ENDORSE THEM.

This post seems to have gotten away from me. I simply wanted to explain that the idea of me being treated like a Mature, Responsible Adult is absolutely ridiculous, but then I drank some of my slushie and started discussing Spongebob and drugs and my eternal crush on Hunter S. Thompson. Which is why I shouldn't ever get jury duty.

I think I just proved my point.