Writer's Block Does Not Always Lead To Profound Passages

Note: I wrote this on virtually no sleep, on a Monday, while in a terrible mood. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Today has not been a good day for writing. As I had the day off, I figured I could accomplish something, and provide the blog with a clever new entry. Things haven't worked out quite that way.

It's the sort of day where you sit down, completely determined to type something witty and incisive. I sat at the keyboard and thought, 'Self, today I will post a blog entry that will break the internet with its brilliance. The world will shudder in exquisite ecstasy over the prose that issue forth from my fingers.'

Then after a few hours of staring at a blank screen that refuses to make words, I lower my standards. I am a realist, if nothing else, after all. 'OK, Self, let's write something that doesn't humiliate us. That produces a chuckle. No pressure.'

Right now I would settle for something coherent. Also, did you know that screaming, 'MAKE WORDS, YOU MISERABLE BASTARD!' at your laptop produces no effect? None at all. I tested this out, for science. You're welcome.

So to answer your question, no, things aren't going very well. I have applied for some freelance writing jobs. I purchased a shirt. This, in fact, is a succinct description of my day: Writer's block, writer's block, IMPULSE SHOPPING, writer's block writer's block, EXISTENTIAL VOID, writer's block writer's block....

And so on. So instead of a real, coherent blog entry, you have me yelling about how I need a career eating waffles:
About me: I want some fucking waffles, bitch.
Give me money to buy waffles.
Services Provided: Will eat ALL the fucking waffles.

I've been craving Belgian Waffles for like a week. In fact, my brilliant friend and I devised Rapture Waffles (PATENT PENDING): waffles covered in frosting. For the apocalypse. Look, it made sense at the time, and isn't nearly as weird as some of the things I ate to survive in college. Frankly, I think it was a perfectly rational reaction to the End Of Times.

So the majority of today has been spent attempting to write something semi-lucid, watching Black Books, chugging Diet Mountain Dew, and imagining a life wherein I get paid to eat waffles.

If you haven't seen Black Books, I recommend you rectify that post-haste. It is a brilliantly funny British show starring the glorious Dylan Moran. It consists of everything that is good in the world, and is the perfect recipe for when you feel nihilistic and sour about your future. BERNARD BLACK IS A GOD AMONG MEN. AND HE'S IRISH. THINK ON THAT.

Great. Now I want Dylan Moran to bring me Belgian Waffles and red wine. Can the internet make this happen? I mean, there are places where I can buy shoes made out of bread on the internet. For actual money, and not as a horrible joke. So why shouldn't a celebrity deliver me alcohol and waffles?

This blog entry should have ended ages ago. Instead it keeps going on and on, like some horrible cretaceous monster. IT HAS NO END. This is like the Jurassic Park of blog posts. It eats everyone you loves and wreaks havoc, and then there are two sequels of debatable quality.

This isn't like procrastination, when I don't want to write anything so I blather on endlessly, and usually the results amuse me for their randomness if nothing else. No, I WANT to write something good. Really, I do. I just can't. But there are only two blog entries on this page, and they're JUDGING me.

I can't believe I used to write every goddamn day. I am terribly out of practice.

So what have we learned?
* Don't start writing without a predetermined blog topic.
* Writer's block and procrastination are entirely different beasts.
* There should be more careers available involving the consumption of Belgian Waffles.
* I will always capitalize Belgian Waffles, for obvious reasons.
* Rapture Waffles (PATENT PENDING) will sweep the nation, coming December 21st, 2012.
* Everything is better with frosting. EVERYTHING.
* Black Books is an underrated and wonderful show.
* Dylan Moran should set up a wine and waffle delivery service.