I'm Not Terribly Concerned About The Apocalypse

So I've been trying to write this blog post for days. I've been agonizing over it, obsessing over it on Twitter, writing and rewriting it endlessly. I've been acting like people will READ this entry, and not just my friends who tolerate my rambling with a good deal more patience than I deserve.

After all, this is not the first blog I've had. I wrote, for a few years, a blog called Fear & Loathing. Actually, I just checked, and I posted nearly EVERY DAY for ALMOST THREE YEARS. And I wasn't getting paid. I was just writing about the pop culture events of the world because I felt like it, which I'm pretty sure is why

A) it eventually nearly killed me (a story I will tell at some point), and

B) I had to take a break for a little over a year before I could even consider blogging again without bursting into tears or showing signs of PTSD.

This blog is going to be different. Call it funny observational humor, and a recording of my attempts to get my manuscript published. Oh, I'm sure I'll shout about movies and comics and pop culture in general, because that's generally how I deal with the world. These things matter to me. But I won't spend hours every day trying to find funny/insane things for the internet, because other sites do it much better than I ever did.

Fuck. I originally planned to write my first entry about how I'm not worried about the three or four impending apocalypse (apocalypsi? Wiktionary says it's apocalypses, and SpellCheck backs it up, but it just sounds like lazy grammar to me).

I was going to explain that it's a bit bizarre that I, who panics over things that nobody else even thinks about (what if ants get in your ear, but they are flesh-eating ants, and they EAT YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT? Also? Mimes.) am not worried at all about the possible End Of Times. The answer is, simply, that I can't do anything about it either way. It's not like my anxiety over flying in planes, wherein I could just NOT GET ON THE PLANE. I'm stuck on the planet, and I don't think I'd do well in space even if that was an option, so why worry? Either it will happen or it won't. (And no, I am not much fun on airplanes.)

I was in Times' Square last weekend, and I noticed a few people walking around with signs and shirts proclaiming May 21st as the End of Days. And all I could really think was, 'What do you hope to accomplish? If you really and truly believe that it is GO TIME for the planet, would you really want to spend your last few days in Times' Square shouting at people?' Maybe. I don't know. I just really hate Times' Square.

Then again, perhaps I'm just jaded. Between Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Doctor Who, and Supernatural, I've seen my fair share of apocalypses. Yes, those are TV, but TV teaches us important things. For example, if this apocalypse has to do with demons, aliens, or zombies, I AM TOTALLY PREPARED. I have got that shit COVERED. Otherwise, not so much.

Well, I'd be lying if I said I knew how to end this entry. I have a whole list of topics to write about, such My Epic Hatred Of Cell Phones, a review of the movie Thor, stories about my (hopefully) meteoric rise through the publishing industry, and That Time I Went Scuba Diving & Everyone Nearly Died. Basically, it's my blog. I do what I want. And, as you may have guessed from the title, I abuse capslocks. Prolifically. In fact, one of my friends gave me a shirt about my love of SHOUTING VIA THE INTERNET, and that's where the name of this blog comes from. In case you were wondering.

And this, ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, is why I need an editor.

EDIT: It was just pointed out to me that for someone who claims not to be worried about the apocalypse, I've thought about it a great deal. Shut up. I think about pirates too, and they don't frighten me AT ALL.

EDIT 2: No, I don't THINK the apocalypse is going to happen this weekend, or in October, or next December. But it doesn't matter what I think. It's going to happen or it's not. I can't control it. My believing in it or not believing in it won't alter the future. It would be cool if it did, although I'm not sure I should have that sort of power.

It's like people who don't believe in evolution. That's fine, it doesn't negate evolution. Evolution doesn't CEASE TO EXIST just because the notion upsets you. It's still true. Or if I believed that the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft followed me around and hid my socks. That's fine too. It doesn't make it true. Besides, I would hope that the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft would have way better things to do than hide my socks.

EDIT 3: Yes, I just discussed the ghost of a celebrated author hiding my socks for fun in the afterlife. This is pretty much going to be par for the course on this blog. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING.