A Few Questions For 'Jurassic World'

Dear Jurassic World:

I hope this letter finds you well. OK, let's not be coy -- I know it finds you well. You're the biggest movie in the world. You've smashed all the records and have the box office eating out of your CGI-d hands. A sequel is already in the works, and lots of people adore you and what you've done. Good on you. I wish you nothing but the best. And while you're enjoying all this success and good fortune, I have a few questions I'd like to pose to you.

Understand, I was excited when I heard about this movie. I love Jurassic Park. I even liked the sequels a great deal. And then you got Chris Pratt on board, and I was even more pumped. The trailers only helped matters. I mean, Chris Pratt as King of the Raptors? This is like all my dreams coming to cinematic life.

Then I saw the movie. And now I have some questions.

WARNING: This article contains spoilers. Literally all the spoilers, ever. I go through pretty much every single thing that happened in Jurassic World. I spoil it. I spoil all the things. If you do not want to see SPOILERS FOR JURASSIC PARK, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY MORE.




Why Do You Hate Children? This might seem like a harsh question, but be fair: this is the only rational assumption that can come from these two characters being put onscreen. These children are terrible. The younger brother is pretty generically annoying (and randomly, inexplicably helpful as the plot calls for), but the teenaged brother is vile. All he does is stare creepily at pretty girls and ignore the dinosaurs. Do you understand? He. Ignores. The. Dinosaurs. You are on an island with dinosaurs and you are refusing to enjoy this experience? You are the worst, Teenaged Boy. You try to act all cool and disaffected around the dinosaurs. Nobody is cool around dinosaurs; even Jeff Goldblum was appropriately impressed, OK?

Why Is This Divorce Island? I understand this is something of a reboot sequel, but it's kind of alarming how many parents send their children (unattended) to a dinosaur park in the wake of a breakup. In the first movie, this made some sense or at least was dealt with in a way that seemed reasonable. But in Jurassic World, the Little Brother has no idea his parents are getting divorced, even though they are actually in the process of signing paperwork while he's off chasing dinosaurs. And the Teenaged Boy is expected to keep this a secret, in between his busy schedule of staring at girls like he is going to either bite them or burst into tears. (Yes I know the characters have names; I don't remember them and frankly I can't be bothered to look them up).

Why Would You Put Judy Greer In Your Movie Just To Make Her Spend Most Of Her Screen Time Crying? Judy Greer is a clever, enormously funny woman with great screen presence and charisma. You made her spend almost every minute onscreen sobbing. Would Kitty Sanchez cry so much? No. No she would not. This is disconcerting. Somewhere Cheryl Tunt is starting a fire.

Why Does Claire Appear To Have Never Interacted With Humans Before? Look, some people don't like kids. Some people are incredibly uncomfortable around kids and have no idea how to behave. Again, the original Jurassic Park had Dr. Grant, who was no fan of kids and clearly unsure of how to interact with them. Claire, on the other hand, seems terrified of her nephews and confused as to whether they are people. But this extends beyond her nephews to virtually every person she communicates with (including Owen, her would-be romantic partner). Claire has an underlying aura of near-panic during all her dialogue, even when she's just chatting with her sister. Has Claire never seen a human before this movie? Is Claire a cyborg? Because that would have been fantastic, actually. Put that in the sequel.

Why Did Claire And Owen Date? You didn't need this plotline. There are about 10 separate stories going on in Jurassic World, and this is easily the least necessary. These are two people who have absolutely no reason to go on a single date. Claire doesn't seem to find anything about Owen remotely appealing; in fact, you get the distinct impression she wants to spray him with sanitizer and run screaming. And by the end of the film, Owen just seems exhausted by Claire and her clingy nephews. There is no chemistry here. These characters barely tolerate each other; so why shoehorn in the romance? Jurassic Park had no time for a love story; it was too busy with dinosaurs. Speaking of...

Why Do The Dinosaurs Look So Terrible? It's been over 20 years since Jurassic Park came out, and I still remember seeing the dinosaurs for the first time on screen. People in the theater actually gasped; it was miraculous, and one of my favorite film experiences ever. In 20 years, technology has come incredibly far. So why do your dinosaurs look so crappy? They look far less realistic than their predecessors, a fact I partly blame on the lack of animatronics. The robotic dinosaurs interacted with the actors; they could see them and touch them. Working with a blue screen just isn't the same. When your entire franchise is built on dinosaurs, you kind of need them to look cool.

Why Did You Build A Park On Top Of Your Old Park? I'm still wondering if this was an elaborate metaphor for the film as a whole, but it is structurally unsound to build a park on top of another park. Why didn't they just use the old park, since it was already built? They could have refurbished it. Did people think it was an ancient burial ground? Were they afraid that the dead from the first film were haunting the grounds? Again, another EXCELLENT plot idea for the sequel. You're welcome.

Who Allowed This Park To Be Built At All? A T-Rex terrorized a major city; I am pretty sure that some government officials would have had a problem with this park becoming a reality. Someone explain the legal and political implications of Jurassic World, and be sure to show your work.

Do You Know How Cars Work? This film indicates that no, you do not.

Why Did You Kill The Dinosaurs? There was so much carnage in this movie. A lot of people didn't make it. But I'm not talking about them: I'm talking about the dinosaurs. So many dinosaurs died. And even though they were CGI dinosaurs, it was still upsetting to see them slaughtered. I mean, you just killed SO MANY dinosaurs. So many. I know nature is vicious and cruel and horrible, but you NEED TO STOP KILLING MY CHILDHOOD, OK. JUST STOP.

Why Did You Break Your Streak? The Jurassic Park series had never had a female character die onscreen. Think about that: all those deaths, all that violence, and not once did a female character die. Until you, Jurassic World. You killed off a minor female character. Which is something of a bummer considering that's a pretty cool claim to be able to make in this world where female characters are killed off constantly. But to make matters worse, you killed off this relatively innocuous minor character in one of the most prolonged, unsettling, and downright vicious scenes in the whole film. The death was actually cruel. I guess if you're going to break a streak, go big. Or, you know, don't break your streak. How about that.

Why Did You Waste Omar Sy? Omar Sy is awesome and hot, and incredibly talented to boot. But he is in the movie just enough to make me bitter about how little he is in the movie. I like to imagine that Sy just went 'To hell with this,' and rescued all the poor velociraptors from this confusing film.

How Is Vincent D'Onofrio So Terrible? Was he tired from being so incredibly brilliant and heartbreaking in Daredevil? Did he read the script and panic? All he does is smirk and chew scenery and bring about Unnecessary Plotline 2: The Dinosaur Army. Although Dinosaur Army is an amazing band name. The point is, Vincent D'Onofrio is a wonderful actor who I adore, but in this movie I just wanted him to get eaten so I could go home.

Do You Dislike Chris Pratt? I'm starting to suspect this, although it's hard to believe anyone could dislike him. He's a versatile, talented, charming man. He was fantastic on Parks and Rec and kicked everyone's ass in Guardians of the Galaxy. I am a fan of all things Pratt. But in this movie he's kind of a bland jerk, and really only has one facial expression. Now I know he has a far wider range than a single look of intense alarm (imagine the face Andy Dwyer would make when asked who put ramen in the coffee maker), so I'm assuming this was something he was directed to do. The only time he seems to have any other emotions is when he is with the raptors. Why don't you want Chris Pratt to act?

Although now I am imagining the entire movie was Brett Macklin, Dinosaur Wrangler. This changes EVERYTHING.

Who Was In Charge Of Wardrobe? I am, of course, discussing Claire's outfit in this movie. Now it may seem like I'm being hard on Bryce Dallas Howard, but honestly she did everything in her power to humanize this character. She is not to blame for Claire, and any moments where Claire seemed remotely like a person that could actually exist in real life are a credit to Howard. She did her best with very little.

But the outfit: the shoes are the most damning part. Claire is wearing serious heels. I know she is an important executive person, and I love a tough ladies wearing heels (Pepper Potts wears skyscraper heels in between running a massive company and saving Tony Stark's ass). The problem is that she is living in a jungle climate, running around the brush, in heels. This is logistically difficult. There is a lot of mud out there. There are sticks, and rocks. I fall down without any of these problems in relatively low heels. Realistically, Claire would have been wiping out the whole movie.

Then there's the fact she was wearing white. Until she unties her top and assumes her Jungle Warrior Claire persona (which was actually pretty fun), not a single stain dares blemish her perfect outfit. Have you ever been outdoors? Have you ever been in nature? This is less realistic than dinosaurs being built from chameleon DNA. Side note: it appears that Bryce Dallas Howard (or her stunt double) actually did run around in those heels quite a lot. If that is true, that is inarguably fantastic and hardcore. But still not a great life choice.

Why Did You Waste Jake Johnson? Parenthetically, was his dinosaur collection a tribute to Serenity? Because if it wasn't, I'm going to pretend it was. It doesn't help matters, but it would amuse me. Jake Johnson and Lauren Lapkus also lay claim to one of the few entertaining scenes in the whole movie. I would watch the movie about those two and their dinosaur park shenanigans. I'm just saying. I would also like the Jurassic Park shirt Jake Johnson wore in the movie.

Why Did You Let The Owner Of Your Company Fly A Helicopter Into A Dinosaur Battle, Especially When He Technically Did Not Yet Have His License? You know who doesn't care that you're a super-rich billionaire dude? Dinosaurs. Also gravity.

WHY SCIENCE? That's not a complete sentence, but it makes a lot more sense than ANY OF THE SCIENCE IN YOUR MOVIE. And look, the original Jurassic Park did a lot of hand-waving in terms of science. Like, a lot. I know this. Even as a kid I knew that wasn't quite how science worked. But you took it to the next level. 'Our dinosaurs can be invisible and are super smart and part snake and raptor and can talk to the dead.' Basically you made Dinosaur Predator. Which again would be a pretty cool movie, but is not Jurassic Park or its sequels.

Why Did You Kill Off That Really Scared Guard? This bugged me so much it gets its own separate question. In an early scene, Dinosaur Predator is hunting Chris Pratt and this dude who was supposed to be watching Dinosaur Predator but didn't realize the dinosaur could become INVISIBLE, which is a fair thing to assume. They both hide. Chris Pratt hides better, because he is the star of the movie. And we are forced to watch as the relatively blameless guy, clearly terrified, cowers behind a car. For several agonizing moments. He is staring at Chris Pratt in helpless horror when he gets eaten. This is some dark shit, Jurassic World.

Why Was There Not More King Raptor Plot? The only plot I really cared about was the one involving Chris Pratt and his pack of raptors. Chris Pratt was going to save the world with his raptor friends and it was going to be hilarious and adorable and kick-ass. But the movie went on and on, and there was precious little raptor family fun.

Finally, FINALLY, the movie delivered: Pratt and his pals raced through the jungle to fight Predator Dinosaur and save everyone. In that moment, I was willing to forgive you all your transgressions. I was ready to declare Jurassic World a worthy successor and overlook literally every other issue in the movie. Chris Pratt and his dino pals were having dino adventures! It was everything I wanted and more.

Then three seconds later the raptors betray Chris Pratt and join forces with Dinosaur Predator, again for no clear reason. You seem to assume that all raptors are friends, or at least would team up despite intensive imprinting and the fact that Chris Pratt is supposed to be the alpha. What does Dinosaur Predator have to offer? I mean she is definitely bigger and scarier than Chris Pratt, but was she the frontman for Mouserat? I don't think so.

Why Couldn't They Get Everyone Off The Island? Was the evacuation plan just a complete shit-show? I assume they had contingency plans, right? It's like the entire staff just realized HOLY SHIT THESE ARE DINOSAURS and panicked. Did they think Jurassic World was just a metaphor? Or was this explained and I was too busy sulking over the raptors to notice?

Why, If You Are Being Attacked By Flying Dinosaurs, Would You Run Into Open Space? Just grab a bottle of tequila, go crouch down under a table in the nearby Ben & Jerry's, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Why Did You Bring Back Dr. Wu Just To Make Him Terrible? I was so pleased to see Dr. Wu, in part because that meant nobody ate him. Dr. Wu would explain everything, and fix the bad science, and make everything better. But he didn't. He just wore a black turtleneck totally inappropriate for the weather and was creepy and smug.

Why Did The Ending Remind Me Of Transformers? Admittedly, this could be a personal problem, but come on: it featured two giant CGI creations I could barely tell apart fighting while humans cowered in terror. And then a totally random Deus Ex Machina emerges and saves the day. Also by this point in the film I was dead inside and no longer cared about anything. Just like Transformers.

WHY DID YOU NOT MAKE THE WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT THE BABY DINOSAUR PETTING ZOO? You create a petting zoo filled with baby dinosaurs. BABY DINOSAURS. Then you not only ignore them, you never have Chris Pratt play with the baby dinosaurs. In fact, you briefly show the baby dinosaurs in danger, which WHAT THE HELL WHY WOULD YOU ENDANGER PRECIOUS BABY DINOSAURS.

Here's a movie idea: Chris Pratt raises the baby dinosaurs in the petting zoo with his mischievous pack of raptors, and they have adorable adventures. You will make billions of dollars in merchandising alone, no one dies, and BABY DINOSAURS. You're welcome, Jurassic World.


Thank you advance for answering these questions, and again congratulations on all your success. I genuinely hope the next installment in this franchise lives up to my (admittedly unrealistically high) expectations.

And let's be clear on something: Despite the plethora of questions and criticism I posed above, there's a good chance I'll see the sequel as well (and by good chance I mean near-certainty). Hey, I'm only human. Also, DINOSAURS.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rewatch Jurassic Park.